Monday, February 25, 2008


Those of you familiar with Mike's Asy Chronicles will notice that this exchange was of the same variety. I'd been getting IM messages from this person off and on for the last couple months. The other day I wanted to talk to someone and then she BUZZed. I thought, what the heck. This took me by surprise so much that I took long pauses like toward the end when she BUZZed me again. I was thinking how much I should play along, but then I thought, I'm good. He/she was a persistent little devil.

susanpedro19: hi
Robert Jackson: hello
susanpedro19: why you don't talk before
Robert Jackson: I've been gone all day
susanpedro19: ohh ok
Robert Jackson: what you up to
susanpedro19: nothing
susanpedro19: and you
Robert Jackson: just got back from the movies
Robert Jackson: what you been doing with yourself lately
susanpedro19: nothing
Robert Jackson: that seems a bit impossible
Robert Jackson: so, what you wanna talk about
susanpedro19: about some big amount of money
susanpedro19: that was kept some where by my father
Robert Jackson: like he hid it on you
susanpedro19: i want someone that's serious
Robert Jackson: you're starting to lose me, tell it to me straight, what's up
susanpedro19: well
susanpedro19: i want you thats why im telling you thois
Robert Jackson: go on
susanpedro19: can you travel to london or holland to get some money for me there
Robert Jackson: that's kind of a lot to ask
susanpedro19: if you can get this money...we are rich...we invest on our own
susanpedro19: without no one
Robert Jackson: Um, why haven't you gone and gotten the money yourself?
susanpedro19: because i can't handle it alone
Robert Jackson: I don't have the money to get to London, I just bought a house, and most of my money has gone into it.
susanpedro19: i want us to work on this then
susanpedro19: the money was kept in london and i have the contact of the company that kept the money for me
Robert Jackson: so where do I come in
susanpedro19: ohh okay
susanpedro19: i will have to give you the company name and the name of Director of Operation
susanpedro19: the person that you will contact straight on my behalf
susanpedro19: maybe you will do that tomorrow
Robert Jackson: this is too weird. I don't even know who you are. And you're asking this of me. It's all a bit too much.
susanpedro19: you don't know me huh
susanpedro19: since we been talking
Robert Jackson: we haven't talked in a while, and even then I didn't learn much about you.
susanpedro19: haowww
susanpedro19: we have been talking here robert
susanpedro19: just that we don't use to see eachother online everytime due to the process of this money that i am telling you
Robert Jackson: I sincerely apologize, but you should try to find someone else to help you out with your predicament.
susanpedro19: ohh why??
susanpedro19: because i just inform you
Robert Jackson: because I can't get myself to Europe. I've got responsibilities.
susanpedro19: ohh alright..
susanpedro19: but all the same...if you can contact this company they can come to you in state
susanpedro19: and deliver the money to you in a safety consignment box
susanpedro19: and i have the picture of the company here with me if you don't mind to see it
susanpedro19: i will let you see it
Robert Jackson: why would you want the money brought to me?
susanpedro19: i look around the whole world...think straight to you
susanpedro19: beside you are ok
Robert Jackson: that I am
susanpedro19: robert how i wish we both work on this together
susanpedro19: this is great opportunity for me...even for you too
susanpedro19: i will give you proof
susanpedro19: also will fax all the document that back this to you
susanpedro19: ok
Robert Jackson: I don't have a fax
susanpedro19: robert can we start the arrangement beside have been dealing with the company in london and have went down to see the Director of operation
susanpedro19: i need to come up with you that all the necessary arrangement can be make and bring the consignment down to your doorstep and deliver it to you
susanpedro19: thats all
Robert Jackson: I bet it's pretty easy, get a neighbor or something to do it. I gotta go.'

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Monkeyboy and the Case of the Beatrix Barrage

Monkeyboy and the Case of the Beatrix Barrage

Monkeyboy was sitting in a nice French restaurant, across from his girlfriend Beatrix. He had not been contributing much to the conversation, instead he was mostly sitting in his fancy clothes sucking down glass after glass of the restaurant's cheapest wine. Beatrix didn't mind him not talking, Monkeyboy had found out that as long as you make some noises intermittently like you were actually listening to the conversation she could prattle on forever. She was starting to talk about how her feet smelled worse in the morning than at night, or something like that, Monkeyboy didn't really care, he had brought her there for a purpose.

Suddenly he leapt onto their table, landed and stayed in a crouched position. "I know this may be hard for you, but could you please just shut the @#$%@ up, cunt!" Monkeyboy found that the C-Word always got her attention, as I'm sure it does every woman. "I know you've been banging Turtleboy, that lazy @!@#. And I just wanted to show you one last time what you'll never see again."

He whips out his penis and displays it for her, then proceeds to let loose the strongest stream he had ever let loose. He peed in her hair, he peed on her face, and a little even got in her mouth in the initial folly. Monkeyboy starts to whoop and howl and can see the biggest chef from the back coming from the kitchen to show him the way out.

Instead he jumps from the table and grabs hold of the closest chandelier letting this rampant stream of wine-induced urine. He literally got it all over the restaurant. The last little bit flew almost in slow motion and landed on an outlet across the room.

Sparks flew from the outlet and caught some drapes a blaze. Panic overtook the patrons and it was every man for himself on the way out of there. Beatrix was trying to make her way out when Monkeyboy hip checked her into the fire and ran outside.

Sitting outside with the other patrons, they all watched as Beatrix ran outside ablaze and screaming, people were chasing her with jackets and such trying to put her out, but she kept on a running. Monkeyboy just looked on in amusement, "What a stupid bitch!"

So that's how my week has been.

Okay, the girl I told you about responded to that email and said that someone had stolen her credit numbers were stolen and she hasn't been able to go online at all. Well, I really kinda feel like an ass. Although it could just be Friday. I got to get it in my head that people you meet once over the internet don't call you up when they're in crisis mode, they could care less what you're up to, they're busy.

Here's the email I sent:(Psychosis running rampant!)

Hello. Let me start this off by saying, how ya been? I don't know if you know this about me but I can be a little impatient and reactionary when I don't know where I stand with someone. For instance, you don't have to dodge me on Yahoo Messenger anymore because I took you off my contacts list. And I cancelled all my subscriptions to all of the online dating sites I was on. That's not so much about you, just not having anymore luck on those things and I was beginning to obsess a bit about it, so I axed them all.

You know what I find amusing? That I met with three women that week and the only one still in contact with me I have almost nothing in common with, so far. But she's nice, we'll see if it goes anywhere.

Oh, and this is the only way that I can contact you, I kind of deleted your number so I wouldn't call you. I wanted so bad to call you up and force you to tell me no thanks, but if you can't do that over the phone, over email would be nice. I just need to hear it so I can move on. I think way too much and I'm usually a patient person but like I said when it comes to people I don't know where I stand with my mind can't let it go. So please, respond and put my mind at ease.

Hope your week's going well,


P.S. I hope that this year's Valentine's Day is special for you. Bye.

And her response:

Ok before this comes off as rude, the past week has been really bad. Which is why I have not been online. I don't dodge people. My credit numbers have been stolen so I am dealing with that right now and that is pretty much my priority. Sorry if I can't cater to everyone's needs right now. So thats how my week has been.

I deserved every bit of that hostility. I like it. Well, I have steeled myself to the fact that I will not initiate anymore contact with her. I would like it if she called, or emailed, or anything, but I'm coming off as a whiny little bitch. So I'm not holding my breath.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Do you think they make a pill for my kind of psychosis?

I'm officially off the market. I cancelled all of my subscriptions to the internet dating sites I was on, 5 to be exact. This isn't a declaration of me finding someone special, and knowing that they're my one and only, although I'm still chatting with Amanda on the phone periodically and that has a chance, but more to just point out that me asking out someone I meet in the real world is kind of laughable. I'm just spent on putting myself out there, and the whole online dating game game, you know what I mean.

Another thing, my emotions fly all over the place when I'm not sure where I stand with someone. I get completely reactionary, for instance, this other girl I met just over a week ago said she was shy and that she has trouble contacting people and such. So I call her a couple days later, she "forgot" to program my number in and didn't know who it was calling, then she told me she was dodging me on Yahoo Messenger because she felt awkward because she met someone else from the internet and didn't blah blah blah. So I was in wait and see mode, in order to achieve this, I deleted her number from my phone so I wouldn't call, and deleted her from my contacts list on Yahoo Messenger. I just sent her a myspace message saying pretty much that, pleading with her to just tell me where we stand, I think it's pretty obvious, but you never know. Let's just hope she has the courage to tell me atleast that much.

That lastparagraph kind of makes me sound Psycho when I reread it. I just hate to be strung along by someone who "doesn't want to hurt your feelings", that's a million times worse if you ask me.

Do you think they make a pill for my kind of psychosis?

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Freaky Geeks and the Lonely Camera(Addendum)

It turns out Autumn didn't want to pay for the site and had no idea I'd even written her. So take a good look, tools this big only come once in a generation. It's a birthright, kind of like being the slayer, only not at all.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Freaky Geeks and the Lonely Camera

So, last Tuesday night I got a bad case of the woe is me's and an overwhelming urge to message girls from the internet dating sites I've been frequenting. I hadn't had any luck in a while and someone I really thought would message me back didn't, so here's the result. Mind you, it was in the middle of the night and I was feeling worthless at the time. I feel great now, I've been chatting with a couple girls and one has been messaging me back. Nice, right. I call this....


Wait, that's been taken, crap, better go with...


Subject: Please Read Then Delete

Hi, I know I'm not who you're hoping to get emails from, but I can't help that. I'm just me. Will I always be this version of me, god I hope not, I can be pretty annoying sometimes. So if you'd like to get into a bit of correspondence electronically with someone you don't have to feel worried about impressing or giving the wrong opinion of you, I'm your guy. Or you could just email me back saying "I'd rather gargle razor blades then listen to your inane chatter", that's cool too. I'd actually prefer that to no response at all. If you didn't get the last email, I like the new pics, especially the one where you're getting the evil eye from some chic and you look totally smashed.

Let me know what you think, Yay or Nay,


Oh wait, they get worse.

Subject: Settling?

I'm just going to put this out there. If you're ever thinking about settling, I'm your guy. I'm a bit homely, but I can be funny at times, and boy do I have personality, by the bucketload I do. Personally, I'd hold out for someone less me, but that's just me.


And here's where the incoherent part comes in.

Subject: Hi.

Hi again. Good thinking, you got put yourself out all over the place and hopefully Mr. Right will see you, not come off as a jackass and sweep you off your feet. Good luck to you, little buddy.


Does that make sense, I have no idea. But I think that this started when a certain miss didn't email me back after I saw that she was on one of the sites. A certain miss who borrows my camera to make her movie(*Autumn*, picture me coughing and saying her name at the same time.). I was just hoping for a hi, how you been, and got nothing. So someone please tell me if the first one's creepy at all. I have no sense about such things, some of you know this better than others. I sent the first one on the 11th. Here it is.

Subject: Freaky Geeks and the Lonely Camera

Hey there. Fancy meeting you here. Anybody hassling you yet. You gotta watch out for the freaks, they're freaky. I'm just a geek myself, so I'm okay.

I hope your movie gets back into gear. My camera's getting lonely. And good luck with this site, I dig your array of pics so you should have the hounds howling your way in no time.

Later Gator,


5 days later and no response, that first part was a play on this show she likes, Freaks & Geeks. We watched an episode while Mike and I were waiting for her actors to show for a shoot we were helping her with. Maybe she didn't catch that. Either way, I was hoping for a hello there, how you been, is that too much to ask? Well, the night of the Incoherent Ranter ended with this little masterpiece.

Subject: The Sacred Response.

Well, have you had to deal with any crazies, besides myself anyways. I just wanted to say that it's okay to email me back saying hi and that you've been chatting with this guy that you think may be the one. Or just say hi. And I hope that you didn't see that I messaged you again and cringed. If you did, leave that to yourself, I've gotta keep the little self esteem I have left. I may actually want to go out trolling one of these days, it's not all that likely, but could happen. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just curious if these sites actually work. And I thought we were movie buds? 5 days and no response. It cut me, deep. ( This is where I'd put one of those emoticons with the frowny face, but I think they're stupid, so I'll just write about using one.) I really do hope you finish your movie someday. Bye forever.(Unless you bless me with the heavenly presence that is your response, sacred that it is.)


Man, what a night. If there was ever any question to whether I was a tool or not, it was answered emphatically that night. And still no reply. Oh well. I hope this gave some of you a bit of entertainment, 'cause I've reread them and I think they're funny as hell.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The Return of Monkeyboy

So I find myself sitting here, thinking about things that I would like to write about. I got nothing. So I'm going to start the new series, It's a Monkeyboy's World. By popular demand, from the texts I sent to Mike.

Monkeyboy and the Case of the Dirty Spinster

"Hey, lady, I don't appreciate you telling everyone in the building that I've been seeing a nice girl on the side. It's none of your business, I can date whatever species I like." Monkeyboy storms off in a huff.

The Dirty Spinster, dressed in a pink frilly night gown and fluffy slippers, holding a cat in one arm and stroking it with her other hand, saying, "I don't care about your supposed rights, if I hear you sodomizing another member of the animal kingdom, I'm evicting your ass." She slams the door shut, accidentally hitting the cat in her arms in the head. The cat goes limp in her arms. The Dirty Spinster starts to wale in agony.

Monkeyboy comes back down the hallway to see the crushed skull of the cat in the Dirty Spinster's hands. "What a stupid bitch."