Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Freaky Geeks and the Lonely Camera(Addendum)
It turns out Autumn didn't want to pay for the site and had no idea I'd even written her. So take a good look, tools this big only come once in a generation. It's a birthright, kind of like being the slayer, only not at all.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Freaky Geeks and the Lonely Camera
So, last Tuesday night I got a bad case of the woe is me's and an overwhelming urge to message girls from the internet dating sites I've been frequenting. I hadn't had any luck in a while and someone I really thought would message me back didn't, so here's the result. Mind you, it was in the middle of the night and I was feeling worthless at the time. I feel great now, I've been chatting with a couple girls and one has been messaging me back. Nice, right. I call this....
BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
Wait, that's been taken, crap, better go with...
NIGHT OF THE INCOHERENT RANTER 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO(Much better.)
Subject: Please Read Then Delete
Hi, I know I'm not who you're hoping to get emails from, but I can't help that. I'm just me. Will I always be this version of me, god I hope not, I can be pretty annoying sometimes. So if you'd like to get into a bit of correspondence electronically with someone you don't have to feel worried about impressing or giving the wrong opinion of you, I'm your guy. Or you could just email me back saying "I'd rather gargle razor blades then listen to your inane chatter", that's cool too. I'd actually prefer that to no response at all. If you didn't get the last email, I like the new pics, especially the one where you're getting the evil eye from some chic and you look totally smashed.
Let me know what you think, Yay or Nay,
Robert
Oh wait, they get worse.
Subject: Settling?
I'm just going to put this out there. If you're ever thinking about settling, I'm your guy. I'm a bit homely, but I can be funny at times, and boy do I have personality, by the bucketload I do. Personally, I'd hold out for someone less me, but that's just me.
Robert
And here's where the incoherent part comes in.
Subject: Hi.
Hi again. Good thinking, you got put yourself out all over the place and hopefully Mr. Right will see you, not come off as a jackass and sweep you off your feet. Good luck to you, little buddy.
Robert
Does that make sense, I have no idea. But I think that this started when a certain miss didn't email me back after I saw that she was on one of the sites. A certain miss who borrows my camera to make her movie(*Autumn*, picture me coughing and saying her name at the same time.). I was just hoping for a hi, how you been, and got nothing. So someone please tell me if the first one's creepy at all. I have no sense about such things, some of you know this better than others. I sent the first one on the 11th. Here it is.
Subject: Freaky Geeks and the Lonely Camera
Hey there. Fancy meeting you here. Anybody hassling you yet. You gotta watch out for the freaks, they're freaky. I'm just a geek myself, so I'm okay.
I hope your movie gets back into gear. My camera's getting lonely. And good luck with this site, I dig your array of pics so you should have the hounds howling your way in no time.
Later Gator,
Robert
5 days later and no response, that first part was a play on this show she likes, Freaks & Geeks. We watched an episode while Mike and I were waiting for her actors to show for a shoot we were helping her with. Maybe she didn't catch that. Either way, I was hoping for a hello there, how you been, is that too much to ask? Well, the night of the Incoherent Ranter ended with this little masterpiece.
Subject: The Sacred Response.
Well, have you had to deal with any crazies, besides myself anyways. I just wanted to say that it's okay to email me back saying hi and that you've been chatting with this guy that you think may be the one. Or just say hi. And I hope that you didn't see that I messaged you again and cringed. If you did, leave that to yourself, I've gotta keep the little self esteem I have left. I may actually want to go out trolling one of these days, it's not all that likely, but could happen. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just curious if these sites actually work. And I thought we were movie buds? 5 days and no response. It cut me, deep. ( This is where I'd put one of those emoticons with the frowny face, but I think they're stupid, so I'll just write about using one.) I really do hope you finish your movie someday. Bye forever.(Unless you bless me with the heavenly presence that is your response, sacred that it is.)
Robert
Man, what a night. If there was ever any question to whether I was a tool or not, it was answered emphatically that night. And still no reply. Oh well. I hope this gave some of you a bit of entertainment, 'cause I've reread them and I think they're funny as hell.
BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
Wait, that's been taken, crap, better go with...
NIGHT OF THE INCOHERENT RANTER 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO(Much better.)
Subject: Please Read Then Delete
Hi, I know I'm not who you're hoping to get emails from, but I can't help that. I'm just me. Will I always be this version of me, god I hope not, I can be pretty annoying sometimes. So if you'd like to get into a bit of correspondence electronically with someone you don't have to feel worried about impressing or giving the wrong opinion of you, I'm your guy. Or you could just email me back saying "I'd rather gargle razor blades then listen to your inane chatter", that's cool too. I'd actually prefer that to no response at all. If you didn't get the last email, I like the new pics, especially the one where you're getting the evil eye from some chic and you look totally smashed.
Let me know what you think, Yay or Nay,
Robert
Oh wait, they get worse.
Subject: Settling?
I'm just going to put this out there. If you're ever thinking about settling, I'm your guy. I'm a bit homely, but I can be funny at times, and boy do I have personality, by the bucketload I do. Personally, I'd hold out for someone less me, but that's just me.
Robert
And here's where the incoherent part comes in.
Subject: Hi.
Hi again. Good thinking, you got put yourself out all over the place and hopefully Mr. Right will see you, not come off as a jackass and sweep you off your feet. Good luck to you, little buddy.
Robert
Does that make sense, I have no idea. But I think that this started when a certain miss didn't email me back after I saw that she was on one of the sites. A certain miss who borrows my camera to make her movie(*Autumn*, picture me coughing and saying her name at the same time.). I was just hoping for a hi, how you been, and got nothing. So someone please tell me if the first one's creepy at all. I have no sense about such things, some of you know this better than others. I sent the first one on the 11th. Here it is.
Subject: Freaky Geeks and the Lonely Camera
Hey there. Fancy meeting you here. Anybody hassling you yet. You gotta watch out for the freaks, they're freaky. I'm just a geek myself, so I'm okay.
I hope your movie gets back into gear. My camera's getting lonely. And good luck with this site, I dig your array of pics so you should have the hounds howling your way in no time.
Later Gator,
Robert
5 days later and no response, that first part was a play on this show she likes, Freaks & Geeks. We watched an episode while Mike and I were waiting for her actors to show for a shoot we were helping her with. Maybe she didn't catch that. Either way, I was hoping for a hello there, how you been, is that too much to ask? Well, the night of the Incoherent Ranter ended with this little masterpiece.
Subject: The Sacred Response.
Well, have you had to deal with any crazies, besides myself anyways. I just wanted to say that it's okay to email me back saying hi and that you've been chatting with this guy that you think may be the one. Or just say hi. And I hope that you didn't see that I messaged you again and cringed. If you did, leave that to yourself, I've gotta keep the little self esteem I have left. I may actually want to go out trolling one of these days, it's not all that likely, but could happen. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just curious if these sites actually work. And I thought we were movie buds? 5 days and no response. It cut me, deep. ( This is where I'd put one of those emoticons with the frowny face, but I think they're stupid, so I'll just write about using one.) I really do hope you finish your movie someday. Bye forever.(Unless you bless me with the heavenly presence that is your response, sacred that it is.)
Robert
Man, what a night. If there was ever any question to whether I was a tool or not, it was answered emphatically that night. And still no reply. Oh well. I hope this gave some of you a bit of entertainment, 'cause I've reread them and I think they're funny as hell.
Friday, January 18, 2008
The Return of Monkeyboy
So I find myself sitting here, thinking about things that I would like to write about. I got nothing. So I'm going to start the new series, It's a Monkeyboy's World. By popular demand, from the texts I sent to Mike.
Monkeyboy and the Case of the Dirty Spinster
"Hey, lady, I don't appreciate you telling everyone in the building that I've been seeing a nice girl on the side. It's none of your business, I can date whatever species I like." Monkeyboy storms off in a huff.
The Dirty Spinster, dressed in a pink frilly night gown and fluffy slippers, holding a cat in one arm and stroking it with her other hand, saying, "I don't care about your supposed rights, if I hear you sodomizing another member of the animal kingdom, I'm evicting your ass." She slams the door shut, accidentally hitting the cat in her arms in the head. The cat goes limp in her arms. The Dirty Spinster starts to wale in agony.
Monkeyboy comes back down the hallway to see the crushed skull of the cat in the Dirty Spinster's hands. "What a stupid bitch."
Monkeyboy and the Case of the Dirty Spinster
"Hey, lady, I don't appreciate you telling everyone in the building that I've been seeing a nice girl on the side. It's none of your business, I can date whatever species I like." Monkeyboy storms off in a huff.
The Dirty Spinster, dressed in a pink frilly night gown and fluffy slippers, holding a cat in one arm and stroking it with her other hand, saying, "I don't care about your supposed rights, if I hear you sodomizing another member of the animal kingdom, I'm evicting your ass." She slams the door shut, accidentally hitting the cat in her arms in the head. The cat goes limp in her arms. The Dirty Spinster starts to wale in agony.
Monkeyboy comes back down the hallway to see the crushed skull of the cat in the Dirty Spinster's hands. "What a stupid bitch."
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Little Automated Women
After reading the continuing adventures of Mischa and Asy, I felt the need to write a little about the blight on humanity that is automated sexual advances from pretend women. They come from everywhere and piss me off to no end.
The first and easiest to ignore are the spam emails of girls hot for your junk and want you to lay that pipe. Example:
Subject: blonde milf in pantyhose bends over and shows ass
Email: http://www.neverbroghfeelovefigre.com/ playing with huge dildos
Please noone go to that website. I'd hate to have one of you horny mothers perpetuate sites like that. It's pretty clear where that stuff comes from, I've been to my share of naughty sites. THe emails are still really annoying.
Second, I don't know if any of you ever try to chat on yahoo, but they're riddled with automated girls who want you to check out there web cam and are queafing with anticipation. I usually have to cruise to 2 or 3 just to find another actual person to talk to, and then it's just some dude. And there's nothing more awkward then trying to talk a dude into pretending to be a girl and have cyber sex with me, or so Mike says.
Third, and one that gets me almost every time. Myspace friend requests from hot chick who would also like you to check out there web cam. It gets me every time, 'cause I think, hey, I like getting new myspace friends. Hopes crushed once again by these internet floozies.
Fourth, and this is probably just for me, but I've been trying out the whole internet dating thing. Well, a year and 5 sites later I'm still looking for the one. I've been on dates, but it's started to feel like an exercise in futility. On to what I wanted to say, at the site True.com, there is a ton of automation get my hopes up and crush them in one fell swoop going on. They work with the wink system, instead of sending an email, which takes thirty seconds, you can wink at someone and let them know you're interested. Actually, I've found that they're just easier to ignore. But again, I digress, I started getting all kinds of winks from all kinds of women from all over the place. From women that say in their profile that they want nothing to do with me, there's actually a pic of me on one(Not really, but it would be funny, incredibly sad, but funny, mostly for Mike.). Another thing is that I know that none of these women even looked at my profile, so where did these winks come from. I emailed one of the women who I could tell wanted nothing to do with me and asked her if she had winked at me and to please email me back. Stopped holding my breath for that reply months ago. Oh well, the specifics of my internet dating exploits is for another blog.
And if the guy who owns Outerinfo ever crosses my path and I know it's him, I will go medieval on his demonic ass. I'll act like I dropped something, then punch him square in the nuts. When he bends over in pain, he'll be in perfect position for my next maneuver, the DDT. Right into the pavement. And as he's dazed from a cracked skull I'll drag his ass to the curb, make him bite it then curb stomp his ass. Who am I kidding, I'd never do anything like that, I'd push him in front of a bus, might get away with that.
The first and easiest to ignore are the spam emails of girls hot for your junk and want you to lay that pipe. Example:
Subject: blonde milf in pantyhose bends over and shows ass
Email: http://www.neverbroghfeelovefigre.com/ playing with huge dildos
Please noone go to that website. I'd hate to have one of you horny mothers perpetuate sites like that. It's pretty clear where that stuff comes from, I've been to my share of naughty sites. THe emails are still really annoying.
Second, I don't know if any of you ever try to chat on yahoo, but they're riddled with automated girls who want you to check out there web cam and are queafing with anticipation. I usually have to cruise to 2 or 3 just to find another actual person to talk to, and then it's just some dude. And there's nothing more awkward then trying to talk a dude into pretending to be a girl and have cyber sex with me, or so Mike says.
Third, and one that gets me almost every time. Myspace friend requests from hot chick who would also like you to check out there web cam. It gets me every time, 'cause I think, hey, I like getting new myspace friends. Hopes crushed once again by these internet floozies.
Fourth, and this is probably just for me, but I've been trying out the whole internet dating thing. Well, a year and 5 sites later I'm still looking for the one. I've been on dates, but it's started to feel like an exercise in futility. On to what I wanted to say, at the site True.com, there is a ton of automation get my hopes up and crush them in one fell swoop going on. They work with the wink system, instead of sending an email, which takes thirty seconds, you can wink at someone and let them know you're interested. Actually, I've found that they're just easier to ignore. But again, I digress, I started getting all kinds of winks from all kinds of women from all over the place. From women that say in their profile that they want nothing to do with me, there's actually a pic of me on one(Not really, but it would be funny, incredibly sad, but funny, mostly for Mike.). Another thing is that I know that none of these women even looked at my profile, so where did these winks come from. I emailed one of the women who I could tell wanted nothing to do with me and asked her if she had winked at me and to please email me back. Stopped holding my breath for that reply months ago. Oh well, the specifics of my internet dating exploits is for another blog.
And if the guy who owns Outerinfo ever crosses my path and I know it's him, I will go medieval on his demonic ass. I'll act like I dropped something, then punch him square in the nuts. When he bends over in pain, he'll be in perfect position for my next maneuver, the DDT. Right into the pavement. And as he's dazed from a cracked skull I'll drag his ass to the curb, make him bite it then curb stomp his ass. Who am I kidding, I'd never do anything like that, I'd push him in front of a bus, might get away with that.
And Now, the Worst of 2007, Movie Edition
I did my favorite movies of 2007 and I stopped at 10. There were a lot more than 10 movies that I loved this year, but I made it 10 to make me think more on it and come up with my real favorites, or the ones that were the freshest in my mind. Addendum to the list: I didn't see Juno till 2008, so I'm not counting it, and Sweeney Todd would probably be somewhere on the bottom half of the list, somewhere between 6 and 10.
But I digress, I already did that blog, this one's about the worst movies of 2007, which there was a lot that I just didn't like, while there were a few that just made me wanna burn the theater down. Now, some of these movies may not be that bad, but I was really disappointed in them to the point that I had bad movie experiences. You be the judge. I won't point out why each one made the list, I just hated them. Enjoy.
15. Catch and Release
14. I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
13. Evan Almighty
12. Pathfinder
11. License To Wed
10. Mr. Woodcock
9. Skinwalkers
8. The Ex
7. Epic Movie
6. Georgia Rule
5. Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters
4. War
3. Death Sentence
2. I Think I Still Love My Wife
1. I Know Who Killed Me
Okay, so 1-5 are definitive as my 5 suckiest times at the cinema this last year. The rest are pretty much where they need to be, but if you come up to me with a reasonable and logical explanation of why Mr. Woodcock is worse than The Ex, I may just agree with you.
And I've already seen one that's going to make next year's list, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Movie. Well, it is Uwe Boll, what did I expect.
But I digress, I already did that blog, this one's about the worst movies of 2007, which there was a lot that I just didn't like, while there were a few that just made me wanna burn the theater down. Now, some of these movies may not be that bad, but I was really disappointed in them to the point that I had bad movie experiences. You be the judge. I won't point out why each one made the list, I just hated them. Enjoy.
15. Catch and Release
14. I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
13. Evan Almighty
12. Pathfinder
11. License To Wed
10. Mr. Woodcock
9. Skinwalkers
8. The Ex
7. Epic Movie
6. Georgia Rule
5. Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters
4. War
3. Death Sentence
2. I Think I Still Love My Wife
1. I Know Who Killed Me
Okay, so 1-5 are definitive as my 5 suckiest times at the cinema this last year. The rest are pretty much where they need to be, but if you come up to me with a reasonable and logical explanation of why Mr. Woodcock is worse than The Ex, I may just agree with you.
And I've already seen one that's going to make next year's list, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Movie. Well, it is Uwe Boll, what did I expect.
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